


Click

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Dark, Disturbing Themes, F/M, M/M, Missions Gone Wrong, Revelations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-22
Updated: 2009-03-22
Packaged: 2018-09-17 16:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9333602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: Of course, Rodney had to... risk it all and kill the woman he loved.Sometimes the biggest secrets are the ones we keep from ourselves.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to neevebrody for the beta!
> 
> Posted for McSheplets prompt #41: secret
> 
> Major character death: Jennifer Keller and original characters

"No, Rodney," he said firmly. There was no time and they both knew it. "You just work on getting them out and home, do you understand me?"

There was no answer on the radio.

"McKay," he said, making it an order.

"Yes," came the whispered reply.

John relaxed. This was it. That was all he could do. The only thing left was goodbye.

"Teyla," he said.

"John," came the clear answer.

John smiled. He could always count on Teyla to keep her composure, to be strong. He counted on her to take care of Rodney and Ronon when he was gone. "Say goodbye to Torren from me. He can have the racing car. I know that he can't quite work the controls yet, but Rodney can show him and I'm sure he'll beat him in no time."

He waited for Rodney's huff, but it was Teyla who answered, "I'm sure he will, John."

He could hear the slight break in her voice now. He looked at the countdown of the display of the dart. No time to think. "Ronon."

"Sheppard." Short and rough.

"You get them all home," John ordered, knowing that Ronon would take that as it was meant. Be safe. Keep them all safe for me.

"I will," Ronon answered.

The seconds were ticking away. "Rodney." There was no answer and John didn't wait for one for very long. He wanted to say goodbye. He wanted to say that he knew Rodney would be able to get the others out. He wanted to say 'Save her and be happy with her,' but he couldn't let his last words be about Keller, even if he meant them. He thought about telling Rodney that he loved him, but he couldn't do that either. He really only wanted Rodney to be happy, as happy as knowing him had made John. "I'm glad I met you," John said eventually. To Rodney, even if it was just as true for the others.

The countdown was coming to an end. He closed his eyes and waited for the end, his last thought the hope that they'd all be okay. Then it was over.

Only it wasn't.

John blinked his eyes open. The countdown was over, but he wasn't dead. The dart hadn't exploded. "McKay, what just happened?" he asked into the radio.

There was no answer and for a moment John got the horrible feeling that they'd gotten it wrong, that the bomb had been in another dart, still inside the Hive and this had just been a diversion. His team was—

"Sheppard?" came Ronon's voice.

John sighed in relief. "It didn't go off," he said needlessly.

There was another moment of silence. Then Ronon informed him, "You can come back."

"I'll be with you in a minute." John flew the dart back into the Hive, still reeling from the fact that he wasn't dead. He wasn't sure why he was still surprised. At this point, he should be used to Rodney working miracles.

He rushed from the hangar back to his team. "McKay, after _this_ you've earned yourself a sixpack. Canadian even. Now back to—" He stopped short when he rounded the corner and saw Ronon.

The feeling that something had gone terribly wrong was back with a vengeance. Ronon was looking at Teyla and Rodney who stood next to the panel that the Wraith had rigged up together with the rest of their trap. He could only see Rodney's and Teyla's back from where he stood, but the set of their shoulders only heightened his worst fears. He tapped his radio.

"Captain, come in." No answer. "Williams? Svoboda?" Still no answer. "Dr. Keller?" It was then that Teyla turned to him and John's throat closed up, because he could see the red in her eyes and the slight shake of her head. Oh God.

For a second he wanted to turn Rodney around and shout at him. What the hell had he been thinking. John had told him, _ordered_ him not to try to disable the bomb in the dart which they knew was somehow connected to the trap that AR-7 and Keller had run into. He'd flown the dart away so that Rodney would have the time to save them. But of course Rodney couldn't keep his damn fingers to himself. Of course, Rodney had to... risk it all and kill the woman he loved.

God, Rodney.

John felt the urge to pull Rodney into his arms and just hold him, but they had to get out of here. "Ronon, will you help me with..." he trailed off, trusting that Ronon would understand.

"Rodney," Teyla said carefully, one hand reaching out to touch Rodney's arm.

John wasn't sure if he even wanted to see Rodney's face, but he had to know if he was okay, or as okay as he could be. Rodney turned around and looked at Teyla. He was paler than usual, and his eyes were blank.

Teyla carefully moved her arm up to his face, checking his pulse and his forehead. She looked back to John, signaling that Rodney didn't seem to be in shock. John nodded at her.

"You need to get back to the jumper and work out what's disabling it and fix it."

Teyla nodded and took Rodney's arm. John watched as she led him away. Rodney walked on his own, but John wasn't sure if he had heard a word. He trusted Teyla to make him understand though.

He made his way over to where the others had been trapped and Ronon was already coming back, carrying Tanaka, a bulky marine. Their eyes met, and Ronon went on to carry Tanaka's body to the jumper while John entered the little room that had been laid out as a trap for them.

They looked like they were unconscious. He could imagine them stirring and groggily asking what happened, but they never would.

He could have told them to stay at the jumper. But Keller had suspected that the reason the Wraith asked for her wasn't so much that they wanted to test out an improved version of her gene therapy, but that they somehow had tested it themselves and needed her help. So he'd sent her with AR-7 while he'd gone with Teyla and Rodney with Ronon. He couldn't have known what would happen. Just as easily, it could have been him or any other member of his team.

He looked at the bodies in front of him. He wasn't sure who to pick up first. He knew Ronon would take care of the heavier men, which left him with the choice of Captain Williams or Dr. Keller. The thought of carrying her body to Rodney was horrible, but he also didn't want to wait, didn't want to leave her until all the others were gone, because he didn't want Rodney to think he'd put her last.

He felt a wave of guilt rush over him as he realized how this had to feel to Rodney. He'd tried to save John and instead killed the woman he loved. John hadn't asked him to do it, had in fact ordered him not to try, but he wasn't sure if that would change anything. He feared that in Rodney's mind—and if not his mind then his heart—John would be responsible for her death. He feared that whenever Rodney saw him from now on, he would be reminded that John was alive only because Keller had died.

He suddenly felt resentment towards Keller, then chastised himself for his thoughts. Even if this would be the end of his friendship with Rodney, Keller couldn't be blamed. She hadn't done anything wrong. She had died, died on one of _his_ missions, under _his_ protection. He carefully picked her up. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ronon return and easily lift the body of Svoboda.

He didn't meet his gaze. Instead, he looked at Jennifer's peaceful face. How often had he seen this face, turned towards Rodney, smiling. And every time a part of him had wished it wasn't so. Now it would never happen again, and John felt a mixture of guilt and trepidation. He'd never wanted _this_ to happen. But it had. The world as it had been for him for some time now didn't exist anymore. He had no idea what would emerge from what had happened this day. And right now he couldn't find it in him to hope for anything—not even that it wouldn't destroy what was most important to him.

He could only force himself to follow Ronon and think about nothing but completing the mission and bringing _everyone_ home, dead and alive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It was a trap right from the start," Sheppard begins.

Rodney looks attentive, but he doesn't hear more than that first sentence. He was able to keep the voices at bay in the jumper. Nothing more than a _Rodney, get me out of here!_ little echo in his mind when John carried in Jennifer. He had to get them out, had to concentrate on the controls jammed by some kind of interference. He didn't want go to out there again or force anyone else to do it. Out there were the traps. _Rodney!_ And he'd done it. He hadn't turned around, hadn't looked or listened, until the jumper set off and Rodney _CLICK_ remembered. Flashes of voices and the eerie light of the Hive and the panel that mocked him with a hundred ways to _CLICK_ kill and none to save.

They carried out the bodies, and Rodney still didn't _Rodney, get me out of here!_ look at Jennifer, because they had a briefing to do. Woolsey would have let him be. He asked what happened _CLICK_ but John only gave him a pained look and nodded towards the exit of the jumper bay.

"Dr. McKay, of course I would understand if you—"

Rodney only shook his head and mutely followed John. Ronon and Teyla flanked him, and he knows that they are watching _CLICK_ him right now. He can feel it even though his eyes are still on John. He can see his lips moving, but what he hears isn't John's voice. _Sir, I think we've walked into a trap._ It didn't seem worse than so many other encounters with the Wraith at first. A _Rodney!_ trap and a bomb on a dart and life and death. It isn't anything they haven't seen before. He's almost there, one problem at a time and the switch _CLICK_ he managed to isolate, how to deactivate the bomb, except one thing. _Rodney, get me out of here!_ The panel and the switch _CLICK_ and the trap full of people. They're one, and Rodney can't figure it out, and then there's _There is no time, Rodney!_ Sheppard's heroics. And he's gone, and Rodney's at the panel for the trap full of people and _Rodney, what's going on?_ everyone _You'll figure it out, Dr. McKay, right?_ expecting _You just work on getting them out and home, do you understand me?_ him to fix it. Except the bomb. _No, Rodney._ Instead, it's goodbye and even that is almost familiar by now. Almost, because there's the _CLICK_ switch and he knows what it does, but he can't _I'm glad I met you._ turn it.

_CLICK_

"Dr. McKay?"

Rodney turns to Woolsey because apparently John has stopped speaking. "Yes?" he says and is surprised that he sounds so _CLICK_ calm.

"Colonel Sheppard had flown the dart to a safe distance..." Woolsey prompts.

Rodney opens his mouth to say something _CLICK_ , but nothing comes out, and suddenly there's John's voice jumping in. "He made a last attempt to disable the bomb without setting off the trap, but..." John's gaze falls.

Woolsey looks at Rodney, and Rodney's gaze flickers to Teyla and Ronon. They _CLICK_ know. Rodney opens his mouth, but again nothing comes out.

"Thank you, Dr. McKay. I know that this must be extremely difficult for you. I don't want to keep you any longer. Please take your time with the report."

Rodney's mouth closes and he nods.

"Colonel?" Woolsey adds.

They are dismissed, and while John turns to Woolsey, Ronon and Teyla are suddenly at his side, one hand on his shoulder, one on his back.

They don't say anything. Not now, not then. _CLICK_

In the infirmary, Rodney lets someone _Rodney!_ do the check up, and he tries not to see the tears in the eyes of the nurse. He closes his eyes because here he sees _Rodney, get me out of here!_ her, even though he'll never _CLICK_ see her again.

He stumbles out when they're done, and Teyla asks him something, but he cannot hear what _Rodney!_ she says, so he just smiles weakly and replies, "I'll go to the lab." He can feel her gaze on him as he walks away. He doesn't turn, but he swears she follows him all the way to the lab until there's Zelenka.

"I just heard. I'm so sorry, Rodney," he says, and Rodney just nods. _CLICK_

He should write his mission report, get it over with _Rodney, get me out of here!_ , just write down the facts _I'm glad I met you._ and then take one of the pills the doctor gave him to _CLICK_ sleep.

Word _CLICK_ after word _CLICK_ he manages and sends it off without rereading. Nobody asks when he rushes _There is no time, Rodney!_ out and to his room. The door shuts _CLICK_ and for a second there's silence until memories of Jennifer and John come rushing through him. Images of them in this room, but the sounds are wrong _Rodney!_ , the voices _Rodney, what's going on?_ don't fit _I'm glad I met you._ the images. And then he opens the vial _CLICK_ and soon there's only blessed silence and darkness.

~~

"Rodney?"

Someone's shaking his shoulder, and he blinks. It's Sheppard, looking worried, and Rodney wonders what the hell is wrong with him. There'd better be an _Rodney!_ emergency—

And then he remembers. His gaze focuses on his nightstand, where the open vial stands like a prop next to a suicide note. _I'm glad I met you._ Rodney slowly turns and looks up at John.

"Hey," John says, and Rodney knows it's meant to sound light, but there's a frown on his face that won't quite disappear. _No, Rodney._

"Do we have another meeting?" Rodney asks, because he's aware that they didn't really _CLICK_ finish the last. There are still questions _Rodney, what's going on?_ he hasn't answered.

"No." John shakes his head. "It's all right, buddy. There's nothing. You don't have to do _You just work on getting them out and home, do you understand me?_ anything. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm _CLICK_ fine." The words come easily over his lips. He's not sure where _Rodney, get me out of here!_ they're coming from.

John looks at him, and Rodney wonders if he _CLICK_ knows, if Teyla or Ronon told him. But then John just gets this uncomfortable look and offers, "If there's anything I can do..." And Rodney's glad that he's not quite there yet _Rodney!_ because John's about as comforting as a cold wet blanket in a rain shower.

"I'll let you know," Rodney says, waiting for John to go.

They look at each other for a moment _I'm glad I met you._ , and then John is gone.

~~

Rodney knows that he's in denial _CLICK_ , but he cannot face this right now. He's in his lab, working _Rodney, get me out of here!_ on something, anything. _Rodney!_

He's not surprised when he comes, has almost _CLICK_ expected it.

"Dr. McKay, I'm very sorry to disturb you," Woolsey says, genuinely contrite. "I appreciate that you're trying to keep working. Life goes on, as they say, but please know that we would understand if you wanted to take some time off. Someone will have to go through Dr. Keller's belongings, and I'm sure it would be most appropriate for you to be the one."

Panic flares in Rodney _Rodney!_ at the thought of entering her room. _Rodney, what's going on?_ But as if it's someone else speaking through him, he hears the calm words, "I will take care of it," coming from his mouth.

"Thank you," Woolsey says sincerely. Then his eyes shift away for a moment. _CLICK_ "There is one other thing. I know that it must be hard for you to recall the events _Rodney!_ that led to... that led to this _CLICK_ tragedy, but I've asked Dr. Zelenka to go over your report to see if there is any way we can avoid something like this ever happening again, and he... Well, he seems not quite certain on what you were trying to do when you _CLICK_ turned that switch. I'm sorry if I sound... He tried to explain it to me, but I wasn't sure I understood. _Rodney, what's going on?_ Please, if you find the time—and do take all the time that you need—could you revise your report?"

_CLICK_ "Yes."

~~

There is a meeting later that day. Arrangements _You'll figure it out, Dr. McKay, right?_ will have to be made. He's asked Marie to go through Jennifer's _Rodney, get me out of here!_ stuff. He's late for the meeting but still the first one there.

"Dr. McKay, I'm glad you could come," Woolsey says, pointing at the chair in his office.

He knows, Rodney thinks. _CLICK_

"First of all, thank you for revising your report so quickly. I spoke with Dr. Zelenka again and he..." Woolsey trails off as John and Teyla and Ronon arrive. He hesitates before he continues. "I'm afraid he still doesn't know what you did that made you believe turning the switch wouldn't trigger the gas in the trap."

_CLICK_

He can feel John preparing to say something next to him, but Rodney stops him, because he doesn't _CLICK_ know. "Nothing," he hears himself say, and for a moment there's only silence both in the room and in his head.

"I'm afraid I don't understand," Woolsey says.

Rodney looks to Ronon and Teyla. They understand. They know. And suddenly Rodney knows too. He remembers. His own whispered words. _Forgive me._

_CLICK_

"I made a _Forgive me._ decision," Rodney says in that calm voice. "I _knew_ that turning the switch would save Colonel Sheppard. _No, Rodney._ I had no idea if I could have saved the others. And I wasn't sure _Rodney, get me out of here!_ if turning the switch would kill them. I made the only choice that I knew for certain would save a life." _I'm glad I met you._

John looks stricken. "Rodney..."

"Dr. McKay, this is not... In Colonel Sheppard's report—"

"He wasn't there," Rodney says. _There is no time, Rodney!_

"Sheppard was in the dart," Ronon adds.

"I do not understand. Colonel, what did you ask Dr. McKay to do?"

"I, uh," Sheppard stutters.

Rodney looks to Teyla for help.

"Colonel Sheppard ordered _No, Rodney._ Dr. McKay to stop his attempts to disable the bomb and instead to work on freeing _You just work on getting them out and home, do you understand me?_ Dr. Keller and the team that was trapped with her," she says.

"So your order was—" Woolsey begins.

"It was my _Forgive me._ choice," Rodney says forcefully. "He didn't have anything _I'm glad I met you._ to do with it."

"Rodney..." John says. He doesn't understand.

"All right, thank you, Dr. McKay. I think I've heard enough for the moment."

_CLICK_ Rodney gets up.

"Dr. McKay?" Woolsey stops him.

Rodney turns.

"I want you to talk to Dr. Matthews."

As he leaves, Rodney can hear Woolsey ask John _Rodney, what's going on?_ to stay.

~~

When he goes to see Dr. Matthews _do you understand me?_ , he tells him the same thing that he told Woolsey. The _CLICK_ truth.

He's made a _Forgive me._ choice, a simple _CLICK_ risk calculation.

"I can only imagine how you must have _Rodney!_ felt," Matthews says.

Rodney hates this kind of talk because they both know it's his job _You just work on getting them out and home, do you understand me?_ to imagine these things.

"It was a _No, Rodney._ mission. You don't let your feelings _I'm glad I met you._ interfere with your decisions," he says. _CLICK_

"But you're no longer on the mission," Matthews points out.

"No," Rodney concedes. _Forgive me._

He doesn't say more for a moment because he knows if Matthews knew about _Rodney, get me out of here!_ the voices in his head, he'd never let him out again. And Rodney's feeling better. _CLICK_ He remembers _Forgive me._ now. He just needs some rest. _I'm glad I met you._

"Have you said goodbye _I'm glad I met you._ to her _Rodney!_?" Matthews asks.

"I haven't had the _CLICK_ chance," Rodney says.

Matthews watches him. _Rodney, what's going on?_

"But I will," Rodney amends. "I know I _Rodney, get me out of here!_ have to."

"How about we talk more about that tomorrow?" Matthews asks.

Rodney tries not to show his relief openly.

~~

Outside he runs into _No, Rodney._ John. He knows it's no coincidence. It takes a moment before John can actually look at him. _You just work on getting them out and home, do you understand me?_

"Woolsey wants us to check out the Hive again if it's still there," John eventually says.

"But..." _CLICK_ Rodney begins, worried. _Sir, I think we've walked into a trap._

"We'll retrace our steps, Rodney. He just wants Zelenka to take a look at the panel. _CLICK_ To see how we can keep this from ever happening again," John explains.

Rodney knows he's lying. _Forgive me._ "Okay," he says and watches John go. _There is no time, Rodney!_

_I'm glad I met you._

~~

He's not surprised when Teyla shows up at his side before he's even reached his lab. He felt her presence back then, both hers and Ronon's, not consciously, but it was there in the back of his mind _Forgive me._ when he made his choice. _CLICK_

"Would you like to join me for a moment?" she asks, but just like any person meant to lead _No, Rodney._ she can make it an order while staying calm.

The curtains are drawn in her chambers, candles alight. _Rodney, what's going on?_ She's prepared some tea, and he recognizes it as a ritual for the _CLICK_ dead. _Rodney!_ He freezes, but forces himself to sit down.

The tea is soothing even if it doesn't quite _Rodney, get me out of here!_ shut out the voices.

"How are you feeling?" Teyla asks.

A lie is on the tip of his tongue, _CLICK_ but then he says, "I didn't remember at first. _CLICK_ Not everything." _Forgive me._

She looks at him for a long moment. _Rodney, what's going on?_ "You did what you had to do," she eventually says quietly.

"I made a _Forgive me._ choice," he says. Certain death versus uncertainty. He saved the one life he knew he could save. He remembers. _CLICK_ Almost.

Teyla gives him a piercing look and something, something almost echoes in his mind, but then it's only the familiar _I'm glad I met you._ _Rodney, get me out of here!_ _Forgive me._ _CLICK_

~~

Ronon's next. Rodney's not sure if they actually arrange who's taking care of him and if John is in on this. Ronon's brought him food. They don't talk much. That doesn't mean it's silent for Rodney.

_CLICK_

Ronon doesn't ask _You'll figure it out, Dr. McKay, right?_ , but Rodney still tells him that he did what was logical. _Forgive me._

"You would have done the _CLICK_ same, wouldn't you?" Rodney asks.

Ronon looks at him, in a way so similar to Teyla that it almost triggers that little something in Rodney again. _Rodney, get me out of here!_ _Forgive me._

"You'll learn how to live with it," Ronon says, as if it answers his question.

Maybe it does.

_CLICK_

~~

When he enters the briefing room, they're all there already.

"Dr. McKay, please sit down," Woolsey says. _Sir, I think we've walked into a trap._ "I thought you'd like to hear this as well."

"As I just said," Zelenka says, "I can confirm the details of your report. _CLICK_ The panel was designed to make it impossible _Rodney, get me out of here!_ to deactivate any of the traps without knowledge of the inner workings. It is quite impressive _You'll figure it out, Dr. McKay, right?_ that you managed to deactivate the bomb in the dart."

"And had Dr. McKay chosen to _CLICK_ follow Colonel Sheppard's orders?" Woolsey asks.

Zelenka hesitates for a second. "I do not believe I would have been able to deactivate the trap in time to free them."

_CLICK_

Woolsey smiles satisfied, but Rodney sees that Zelenka doesn't meet his eyes. _Forgive me._ Neither do Teyla or Ronon.

"I don't want to keep _Rodney, get me out of here!_ you any longer then. I'm sure, you'll want to prepare for tomorrow. I expect you'll want to say a few words." _Rodney, what's going on?_

Rodney quickly nods. He'll have to. He wants to. _Rodney!_ He just hopes the voices in his head will quiet down. 

_CLICK_

~~

He stares at a magazine that she left in his room. A medical journal and he tries to remember _Rodney!_ but his head won't quiet down, won't let him.

"Forgive me," he says out loud. _Forgive me._ But it doesn't make them stop.

Ronon said he has to learn to live with it. He has to. Because this _CLICK_ can't go on like this.

"It was my only _Forgive me._ choice," he says. _I'm glad I met you._

It doesn't stop. So he tries to listen.

_I'm glad I met you._ _Rodney, get me out of here!_ _Forgive me._ _CLICK_

It was the right decision. He knows that Sheppard _There is no time, Rodney!_ would have rather sacrificed himself _I'm glad I met you._ but Rodney knows _Rodney, get me out of here!_ that he was the one that he could _Forgive me._ save. _CLICK_

The door chimes. Rodney nearly doesn't hear it. He opens it _I'm glad I met you._ to find John waiting.

He steps away _No, Rodney._ and lets him in. John doesn't say _I'm glad I met you._ anything.

"Woolsey isn't going to _CLICK_ investigate?" Rodney asks. _Rodney, get me out of here!_

John's eyes widen for a moment. "You did nothing _Rodney, get me out of here!_ wrong _CLICK_ ," he eventually says.

_Rodney, get me out of here!_ _CLICK_

_Forgive me._

_CLICK_

_CLICK_

_CLICK_

"Rodney?" John's voice _I'm glad I met you._ sounds worried.

"I did what I _You did what you had to do._ thought was _Forgive me._ right." _CLICK_

He tries to remember. Not just what his calm voice tells everyone who wants to hear. _Rodney!_

The bomb on the dart is ticking _There is no time, Rodney!_ , and John is gone. And he can save the others. _Sir, I think we've walked into a trap._ No, he can save John. _No, Rodney._ He can... He can save John. _No, Rodney._ _You just work on getting them out and home, do you understand me?_ And John says goodbye _I'm glad I met you._ , and Rodney calculates the risk. _You'll figure it out, Dr. McKay, right?_ He calculates _You just work on getting them out and home, do you understand me?_ , and there's the switch. _Rodney, get me out of here!_ It will save John. _I'm glad I met you._ He cannot save _Rodney!_ _You'll figure it out, Dr. McKay, right?_ _Rodney, get me out of here!_ the others. He cannot... _I'm glad I met you._

_Rodney, get me out of here!_

"I can't." _I can't._

"You can't what?" John asks, confused.

_Forgive me._

"I cannot kill you." This time his words aren't calm. His voice trembles and breaks on the word kill.

He knew the switch would save John. Everything else, every _one_ else... He didn't calculate. He heard John's goodbye, heard his last words, the switch within reach, and nothing, not John's order or Jennifer's plea could stop him from doing what he knew would save John.

_CLICK_

John stares at him, frowning. He's trying to understand, Rodney can see, but doesn't know what to say, how to ask.

And in Rodney's head there's finally, _finally_ only blessed silence.

"You..." John eventually says, "You knew that you couldn't save the others, and I didn't listen. So you—"

"I knew nothing," Rodney says. This time the calmness is one he really feels.

"Zelenka said—"

"That _he_ couldn't have saved them. He couldn't have saved _you_ either."

"Rodney, what are you saying?" John is still frowning.

"I saved you," Rodney says.

"I know, but—"

"No but. Nothing else. There was... I could save you, and I did."

"They're all _dead_!" John shouts.

Rodney hesitates because he can see that John doesn't understand. "I know."

"But _why_?" John sounds desperate now.

"I cannot kill you," Rodney repeats.

"You didn't _have_ to. You didn't have to do anything. The _bomb_ was going to kill me. How many times have we been in this situation? I flew _your_ bomb into a Hive. You cut off the air on the Midway Station. You told me 'here's to many more' when I wanted to fly into the tower without inertial dampeners. What made this time different?"

"You never asked me to let you die when all I had to do to save you was turn a switch," Rodney simply says.

"Rodney," John says quietly. Rodney doesn't think he understands. "She's dead," John adds, his voice breaking just a fraction.

And suddenly Rodney remembers. Remembers how he and Jennifer joked on the way to the Hive, how they last kissed, how they last had sex. John's question makes sense now.

_Why?_

His heart is filling with pain over his loss even as he looks at John and tries to figure it out. But it's too much for now, for today. One revelation is enough. Jennifer is gone. She's _gone_ , and it's finally quiet enough in his head to deal with it, so that's what he's going to do. That and nothing else.

"I don't know why," he says truthfully.

John is still frowning, still shocked.

"Will you tell Woolsey?" Rodney asks, because maybe he deserves that, maybe there _should_ be an investigation.

"I... I don't know. I... I have to think about it." John seems so lost. Rodney wishes he could help him, but he really can't.

"Okay," he says instead.

John walks to the door, but then stops and turns to him Rodney. "Are you going to be all right?"

Rodney thinks about it, thinks about the ache in his chest. He remembers Elizabeth and Carson. He gives a tentative nod that becomes more certain until the line of worry between John's eyebrows evens out.

John nods. He begins to turn, then addresses Rodney once more. "I don't think I'll tell Woolsey."

Rodney doesn't know what to say to that. He nods a fraction in acknowledgement.

John nods again, mostly to himself, Rodney thinks, and leaves.

The room is silent.

Rodney picks up the medical journal, remembering how Jennifer had brought it to have something to do while he finished something on his laptop. He takes the magazine, switches off the light and leaves.

He's ready to face her room now, to face her memories, maybe even to ask for forgiveness.

After that, he can start thinking about why he did what he did, why he couldn't have done anything else.

And then he'll learn to live with both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John couldn't sleep. Rodney's words were flying around in his head.

_I cannot kill you._

But he _could_ kill the others. Four letters John had written today. Thanking parents for the service of their children. Telling them they died protecting others.

Captain Williams and Lieutenant Svoboda and Sergeants Tanaka and Smith. Jennifer Keller. AR-7 _had_ been sent to protect Keller. They _had_ died doing that, but it hadn't been the Wraith that killed them. It hadn't been John's orders.

It _had_ been those things of course. If John hadn't told them to cover that part of the Hive, if the Wraith hadn't set up the trap, they would still be alive. But it wasn't that simple. Not anymore.

John wished, wished so _badly_ that it was that simple. He wished he could blame the Wraith or himself. He wished Rodney hadn't told him that he'd knowingly, _knowingly_ turned the switch that killed Dr. Keller and four of his men because he had to save John given the chance.

It wasn't chain of command. If what Rodney had first said had been the truth, if he'd really thought that he couldn't have saved the others, then saving John would have been the right decision. He would have operated on more information than John had had at the time and it would have been okay. These things happened.

Even if Rodney hadn't been sure... It would have been weighing certainty against speculation, one life against five _or_ none. But it hadn't been that. _He couldn't have saved_ you _either._

Rodney performed miracles every day. He could have saved them. John had seen it in Rodney's eyes. If he didn't know whether he could have saved them, then only because he didn't _want_ to know. It hadn't mattered. To Rodney it hadn't mattered.

Because he couldn't kill John.

John didn't know what to do. In all the years that Rodney had disappointed him in small ways and sometimes big ways, John never truly lost the faith that when it came down to it Rodney would do the right thing. Doranda was a mistake. John had been hurt and disappointed, but he hadn't—not for _one_ second—been afraid to go out in the field with Rodney after that.

He wasn't so sure of that now.

_I cannot kill you._

For years, John had fought with his own feelings for Rodney. From the first attraction, through their friendship and the slow realization that Rodney meant so much more to him, he'd always asked himself if he was still able to do what was necessary. And the answer had always been yes. If it meant he had to kill Rodney, he would do that. He would _force_ himself to do it. He would force himself to see beyond his own feelings and do what he had to do.

But Rodney hadn't been able to do that. Rodney had stood in front of a panel and turned a switch _without thinking_. _Rodney_ had _stopped thinking_.

_I don't know why._

John thought back to the easy banter between Rodney and Jennifer on the way to the Hive, the kisses that he had observed over time by accident because he hadn't been able to avoid them, the declaration of love that Rodney had left for everyone—for _her_ —to see again and again and that John had only seen once.

When Rodney had turned the switch, none of that had mattered because there'd only been John.

For the last months, John had hoped and dreamed and wished that he wouldn't lose Rodney. He'd wanted to maintain their friendship, knowing that he'd never be able to compete with Keller. But even as he'd thought that, told himself again and again that Rodney would never be his, a small part of him had wanted Rodney to choose him _over her_.

Now that he had in the most drastic, uncompromising, unequivocal way possible, now that Rodney had struck down her _life_ and that of four others for John, John was terrified.

He didn't know how Rodney would react when he realized that he loved John. He didn't know how Rodney would deal with the knowledge of what he had done and _why_.

But more than that John was terrified because _he_ wasn't sure how to deal with it.

His feelings had grown over the years to the point where he'd persuaded a man to sacrifice himself, where he'd gladly offered his own life if it meant Rodney didn't have to, where he'd questioned changing the fate of a universe if it meant taking away Rodney's chance at happiness, but _this_...

John had often wondered if his feelings for Rodney were too strong. Time and again he'd asked himself if he loved Rodney too much. And time and again he'd refused to examine his feelings enough to answer.

He'd always been afraid to delve further into his feelings for Rodney, because even when he didn't, there'd been so much, a kaleidoscope of emotions, a bone deep love that shook him to the core.

Now that he was faced with what Rodney had done and the reasons he'd done it, John had to ask himself for the first time, not if he loved Rodney too much, but if he loved him _enough_.

Rodney's love for him was so without bounds, without compromise, that John was afraid to face the one question that he'd never had to ask himself.

Would he be able to love Rodney like that, beyond anything, so blindly, that not even the death of innocents, the death of people he loved, the death of someone who _did not deserve to die_ would matter to him?

He didn't know the answer. But it was terrifying enough to realize one thing.

He wanted it to be yes.


End file.
